Why don't I tell y'all a long story? It's very long, so you'll have to read a lot, but it's a good one I think. It's also still ongoing, and it's true; all of this happened and is still continuing to this day(As of writing this). Almost what feels like a year ago, I finally met this girl that I had been crushing on for a while. I'll call her... Clara. Her real name is elegant, like Clara, so I'll refer to her as Clara. So when we met we were playing go fish with a few of our friends and I decide, when it was my turn to be slick and say" hey queen, got any queens?". I remember that moment vividly. Clara was initially kinda confused until she realised I was reffering to her. She did not have any queens. My friend says to me she says:"That's so flirty!". She's also important. I'll call her... Yui. That's just the first name that came to mind. Yui kinda teases me for a second if I'm remembering right. Next thing I know it's the three of of chatting outside. We had nothing better to do. The conversation soon shifts toward crushes. Let me tell you something about me: I hate lying. For almost every possible reason. There are very few situations where I will condone telling a fib. That was not one of them. I try my darnest to not say a word, but Yui knew what she was doing. The moment Clara goes inside for a minute, Yui asks me if I liked Clara. A direct question is something I can't really dispel. I had to cave. Clara had mentioned having a crush a few minutes ago, so Yui says that this must hurt. Another little tidbit about me: I am not a quitter. I don't quit until the impossible shows me that its name is true. This does not deter me whatsoever. Clara soon gets back, before much could be said about me liking Clara. But the moment Clara returns, Yui looks at her with a big smirk on her face. Some backround info that I think is relevant at this point. I had never had a girlfriend before that point. I also only ever had one crush before that, which is its own can of worms, but that story means a lot less, and I tell that one moreso because it's funny as opposed to being meaningful, because it wasn't. I learned nor gained anything from that experience. I'm not sure what exactly it is, but I have a hard time talking to people sometimes. I get overly anxious and I unconciously try to avoid situations involving people I don't know.It was worse then, that's for sure. That's kinda why it took me so long to talk to Clara. With all my friends, I usually become very attached to them, and I try to hold on to them as hard as I can. I love you guys. And if you're reading this, I sent you the link to it. Let's go back to the story now. So when I get home that day, I get a text from Yui. She tells me that Clara figured it out, and that I oughta shoot my shot. Then I do the smartest thing I did in this whole thing that I firmly belive that saved my whole shot. I tell her that it's true that I like her, but I don't explicitly ask her out. Now that may sound really dumb, but we didn't know eachother all that well to that point, and after quickly pivoting the convorsation to how obvious it was, it was revealed that Yui made it obvious with her smugness I guess. That was basically it for that bit. She did not reject me, she couldn't really do it after all. After that, we kept hanging out and were fast friends. We soon started texting. Every day. And eventually, one day, she tells me that she likes me too. But there was a caviot: she didn't really want to be in a relationship at the moment, because reasons that she didn't tell me. My friend who talked to her almost every day told me that it was because of school and the show she was going to be apart of (she's a bit of an actor, so she occasionally does shows and stuff). Now I had been telling that same friend stuff about the whole story every time we met and I later learn that Clara got all of that juicy info from my friend. That same friend had also apparently told people about my little crush, and those people told Clara that sombody had a crush on her, which she already knew probably by that point. So after she likes me back, we keep talking every day, for like three more weeks until... She finally is ready to date again. Now that WAS after a day of her saying that she had good news for me and her chickening out. So it's a whole summer break relationship. We quickly start calling eachother. I try to flirt a lot, that I know. I could not talk about kissing or anything of the sort though, because she'd go cold for at least 10 seconds every time I tried. There WAS only 1 instance where it wasn't like that, but it happens much later on. We would call for hours, sometimes even till midnight, or one in the morning even. Back then my phone average was about an hour to 2 hours a day, not bad right? Well after our first week of nightly calls and daily texts, I get my first average of over 6 and a half hours a day. She basically was my life. But I was fine with that. I had a girl who would say I love you back, so that's all I really cared about. Crap, I missed the part where the I love you comes in... So last day iof school right? I decide that that was going to be the day that I asked her out for real and see if she's ready, because I wanted to communicate like any good guy should. But instead of doing that, I end up getting nervous and saying I love you. After a short puase, she says it back. Then her friend from a short distance asks if I asked her out and she says no, but she quietly also says, "You guys know I'm not ready for that yet!!". That was everything I needed to hear. As I leave, I tell her that she should just tell me when she ready, and that I'd wait for her. She, I could tell, was happy with that. So yeah, we'd usually end calls with an I love you. She always had a hard time saying it first. When she finally got it with no hesitiations one night, she celebrated. Even after she finally got it, she usually wanted me to say it first. Sometimes she'd even go *ahem* to get me to say it. I guess now's the time to go over the three dates we had. The first one was my big whiff that probably screwed the whole thing up, or not. I went to her house, met her mom, the works. We played Mario Kart. She's laughably bad at it. I kinda tried a teeny bit to get her to drift, because she didn't at all, while I'm over on the other side, almost lapping people as I drift away. She at some point goes: "I usually win when I play by myself...". My gamer pride didn't even let me think of letting her win, even though I could have tried. But, I think it would have been obvious had I tried that. Later on, she wants go on a walk and that was my big cue to try and hold her hand or make some sort of move, but my dumbass is too busy enjoying her presence and talking to her that I don't even think about it. She always told about how people used to bully her and her traumas and the like. Many times she would talk about sad stuff like that. It made me feel trusted, needed, wanted, and most importantly, close to her, like I was the one she trusted to hold these things that she hadn't even told her mom. I'd usually listen and respond to the things she told me moreso than tell my own stories, which when she'd tell me something relatable, which she'd often do, I'd talk about something that happened like that. I remember that conversation was so much fun. I loved every second. We talked about so many different things that I couldn't even think of summarising it. I always loved that about her. She was so relatable and fun to talk to. Even when things went to the negative I always was happy talking to her, because I loved her, and her problems. I only ever told her half of the specifics when it came to the first time I noticed/liked her, but I liked her mainly because she looked a lot like me. She was wearing that brown sweatshirt that I so loved to see her wear that day and I said to my friend in my head, "Doesn't that girl look a lot like we do?". I also very quickly note that she is cute, shockingly so, I question how I had not noticed her to that point. That was when I was a sophomore, because she is one year younger than me, she was a freshman. I hadn't talked to her until late Junior year. Back to the first date I ever had, After a while, I leave and my parents who both decided to come get me, ask if I tried to hold her hand or tried anything of the sort. I then realize she could have been trying to proc that with the walk as a whole. I felt very stupid after that. A few weeks later, because Clara was beyond busy back then, we go to this beach/not beach spot. I didn't think her siblings were also gonna be there but I honestly didn't care, I only cared about being able to finally see my girlfriend in person after a few weeks. I thought her swimsuit was cute. The water was very cold, that I remember. After some shenanigans with her funny little brother which she always seems to have some beef with, we head back to the sand. I get to see more of Clara and her sister interacting and overhear a lot of interesting things as I feel the warmth of the sun, while also feeling the happiness of sitting next to my girlfriend. Just being around her was enough for me. After we leave, I end up waiting for Clara and her siblings at the dentist. Her mom tells me about how we actually left early, as opposed to when they usually go, and that next time we'll get to stay longer, but as she finishes that sentance, Clara says to her mom that she's bringing one of her other friends next time. Now the next time she would go was in two weeks because she about to go on vacation, so that kinda made me sad. On a later day I ask if I could tag along that time, but Clara really didn't wanna see me there. She was like "If you show up, I'm going to-" I don't remember what she said she'd do.(back to the dentist) Her mom was like, "wanna come over after this?" and I go "sounds like fun", but as we're going somewhere, Clara gets an invite for some pool party, on that very day, so she says that she wants to go later on. They end up just taking me home, likely because of that. But when she's about to get back in the car, I just stand there, staring at her, when she stops. She says," You want a hug, don't you?"-or something like that. She runs up to me and we hug for a good 20 seconds or something. I whisper in her ear that I'll miss her. She says something about how she'll be back before I know it. After that, I cry in my room. I did not want to leave her. I was so happy, yet so sad. That was then broken by a text from her. I can't remember off the top of my head anything but I had fun and a pink heart, but I do remember telling her that I had just had the best hug I had ever. She always sent those pink hearts when she said good morning and good night and stuff, which after she said how cool it would be to have someone tell her good morning, we would do just about everyday. That reminds me also of the pictures she'd send me every day. I so miss those pictures she'd send of her, even if she almost never smiled in them, I used to love to see them, alongside a "boo". Even now, as of telling this story, I miss that a lot. When she was on vacation, she texted me literally all the time. She would talk to me at almost every possible hour of the day. It's like I was right there with her. But I wasn't. And I didn't like that. She also gets homesick very fast, as I found out. She even said "I miss you" on day 2. Towards the end we had the best call we had. This time, there was nothing negative. Clara's life was 100% perfect in that moment, and she didn't tell me about a single bad thing that had happened that day or recently. We flirted the entire time. She was suprisingly agressive, so much so that she made me blush. She said that I was pretty cute when I'd bury my head in my pillow out of embarrassment. And yes, we flirted a lot about kissing. I was almost sure that it would happen on the third date, when she decided that I absolutly needed to watch Princess and the Frog with her, because I never watched it before. It happened a little while after she got back from vacation, because she was always fully booked hanging out with other people and other stuff. But, it finally felt like progress was coming, and fast, and this third date was to cement all of it. I had done it: I would finally kiss my girlfriend. Spoiler alert: that did not happen, we, in fact regressed. This was actually the beginning of the end, and I didn't even know. So we sitdown and I'm watching this movie. Right? I am watching the movie. Not WE are watching the movie. She's halfway across the room drawing. I wanna see what she's drawing, but I also wanna watch the movie so I was kinda torn. I end up watching the movie and it was pretty good I think. We then end up playing board games with her siblings and they kinda piss her off and overwhelm her. I have this habit of talking to my friend up in my head out loud, but I'm naturally very quiet, and that wasn't exactly helping. But I'm currently freaking out because moments before that, she had said for the second time how she wants to be in her room alone. I'm trying to come up with a way to bring this back, because from my perspective, this was suppossed to be our big break into the romantic side of our relationship, because the most we had ever had was that hug from a few weeks ago and all I wanted was to be close to my girlfriend who I, mind you, had not seen in person for 2 whole weeks. She soon steps away for a minute. Her sister then says that Clara's an introvert and does stuff like this. Here's the thing: I'm also pretty introverted myself, and I guerentee you, I don't do stuff like that. I also get to have dinner with her family, so I also met her dad here. Her dad's pretty nice. Her parents were really nice overall actually, and from what my dad told me that they said about me, they liked me a lot. I liked them too! Shame that I haven't seen them in a while. Anyway, we get onto the topic of movies and they bring up Princess Bride, which I had forgot that I had watched, because I forgot the damn thing's name. So I say,"Princess Bride? Never heard of her." And her parents are like:"CLARA WATCH IT WITH HIM!" so she gets up to turn on the tv while her mom gives me a quick brief on what I'm in for, which was spoiler free. And I forget what what led up to it, but I say "Yeah! and maybe she'll ACTUALLY watch it with me this time!". I so called her out. It was intended to be a funny little "I wanna be close to you!" thing. Just like how I had said that I'd only watch it with her if she kissed me at the end. I said that quietly I thought, but it was in her direction, so she totally heard it. So when I sit at the couch, I suddenly get a text from her, explaining how she's not ready for kissing yet. She then sits on the more verticle leg of the couch, which, yes, WAS next to me, but it was basically in front of me. She had also started leaning on the leg of the couch too, so he back is towards me. I have basically no way to subtly make a move here. So I decide to literally just ask for a move by asking if she remembered when we talked about leaning on people's shoulders(It makes more sense if you knew the contex for that, but eh) and if I could-"Those rocks are pretty cool.". Oh no, that's EXACTLY what happened, to a T. For extra context we were in the scene where Inigo has that duel with the one guy who says "as you wish" a lot at the start. There WAS cool rocks in that, but I took the get away from me hint and don't try again for the rest of the thing. But I still hold out hope that she makes a move by the end of this movie. She does not and I am really hurting. I was already hurt at how things were going so far, but I REALLY didn't like this. So when I was about to go, her dad comes out with me and Clara to meet my dad and when he goes inside, what can only be described by my dad's description of what had happened happenened. He said that when her dad turns to go inside, he said something that was, in my dad's words:"A kiss the guy/you guys can kiss moment". He says something along the lines of y'all can say bye now and he starts to head inside. Clara goes with him, but stops when he gets inside and she realises that I'm still standing there. Staring at her. Expectantly. Then, as I vividly remember, she says, "You want a hug, don't you?". Yes I did. 7 Hours ago. 17 Days ago. Now moreso than ever. This time all I can whisper is a repeated I love you. She was going to this weeklong thing with her church next week, so that day was the only time I'd get to see her while she was in town. Not only that, she couldn't have her phone on her for the whole week. So it was no contact. For a week. She said that she'd make time for me after the hug, as she went inside. My dad was like wtf!? What do you mean nothing's happened? It's almost been a month and a half of this?! My parents already did not like her up to this point but this really did not help. Especially not what happened next. I was really not happy about this date. I was kinda depressed! What do you mean my girlfriend who was like literally just talking about how cute I am doesn't want me anymore!? Around that time, I also notice that I'm the one starting most conforsations, even saying good morning and stuff, so I decide to see what would happen if I didn't say anything. The correct answer for 500 was nothing. Until... It's 10:30. I suddenly get a text from her. My reaction to this did not happen in my head. It happened. I recoil in fear and stammer uncontrollably, "get away from me". Even I was confused by that, but the anxiety was there. It continued to be there for a WHILE after that. I guess I internally knew that there was no hope left. She asks me about my day and I can't lie, so I say that it was miserable. But I try to quickly ask her what her day was like to steer things away from that because I REALLY wanted to live in blissful ignorance for just a little longer. I explain to her how I felt pretty unwanted and, I belive, reasonably pretty sad about what happened on our third date-er lack thereof. Now, because her response is quite important, I will show it to you. "Yeah I know what you mean. To be completely honest, I haven't been feeling the same way I used to and I literally don't know why and I'm extremely sorry. And this doesn't mean I don't like you but I just am not feeling how I used to. And I shouldn't have done that and I'm so sorry. And I know saying sorry isn't going to fix anything, but what I did do wasn't nice at all and I really am sorry. And I really don't know how I feel right now. And I'm really trying to be honest because I feel like that's the best thing to do and not hide how I'm feeling. And you have every right to be mad at me and respond how ever you want." Woah. I tell her that I couldn't ever be mad at her; I truly did love her that much that I couldn't even fathom being actually angry at her. I hate lying. So this was no lie. I said this not because I would have been the bad guy if I didn't, but because that's how I truly did feel. Also, I didn't even notice how that was the case at first, and an old friend from earlier had to spell that out for me, but that part is coming up. We elect to continue later if I wanted to, which I definately did, because I wanted to communicate, and mend this clearly dying husk of a relationship. That was bad. Horrible. It was so saddening. I felt a lot of pain after that date. No, things do in fact, not get better from then. It gets worse for me. But it comes in waves. You'll see what I mean. The next day I continue the conversation. I ask her what she feels about me. I, again, have to show you. Because I'm not sure how I could summarize this. "Right now I don't feel as I did in the beginning of this relationship. But you're funny and kind and respectful and caring and great to be around. And at this exact moment I really don't know what I'm feeling. And whatever this leads to, just know, I still do want to talk to you, because your a good person.". This is a trend. You will see this, essentially, much later, so remember this. But yeah, you can probably see the writing on the wall when your girlfriend says she doesn't know how exactly she feels for you anymore. Funny thing is, after that date, like 30 some minutes after I left, she tells me that she had fun and that she loves me. With two pink hearts. I return the notion, masking all the pain I felt inside. For her. I said I love you and meant it. Sorry I keep going on tangents, but I honestly can't help it with this story, there are just so many things like that that happened that I don't want to leave them out because they'll help you see this all the way I do. Back to the conversation. I tell her that I had thought the same (said that for relatablity, also I was very hurt by what happened, so it was slightly true, so not exactly a lie. I still loved her so much in that moment.) and that I had belived that the reason being that we had boosted our friendship moreso than our romantic relationship, and that progress is really what we need to keep going. Now, at this point, I'm going to do a lot less talking, because I'm going to show the raw texts. And I haven't been showing mine because I wanted to specifically highlight what exactly I meant and truly thought when I said what I did. My texts are also kinda cringe, but I'll show the remainder of them because I think they're important. They are really testament to how I really tried hard to stich together my wounded self by fixing the relationship. This, was my last shot, and honestly, it was absolutly the best I could have done: This is the climax of this ark, and I'm going to show you, exactly as it is. Here: Clara:"I've really been trying to like get closer and stuff but I just can't. And it makes me feel like a horrible person. and I'm just confused and I don't know what to do" Me:"Hey, I'm pretty new to dating and I'm pretty confused myself on what to do and when. I think we're in the same boat. I think we should take small steps, and play by ear. We're a team! We should get closer together". Clara:"And if i just can't, I'll tell you because I want to be honest. And it'll suck but I rather be honest then not. ". Clara: "But I will try". Me:"Don't stress, don't fret, as long as we're honest and show each other what the next step is and try our best, everything is going to be awesome (and fun, because fun is cool, just like the both of us)" (this is the cringest one). Clara: "Yeah" Me: "Thanks for being honest. I'm really happy that we talked this through and were honest. You are really kind and sweet and you're a joy to be with and I really love your personality. I can't wait to see you when you come back from [The church thing she was going to go to]!". Clara: "Thank you!! See you after [Church thing]!!". I actually felt much better after talking it out with her, and I thought that I had mended everything, and all would be so bright from here on. Everything is going A-Okay! If you think that our relationship was truly mended after that, you are very wrong. A day before she said she'd get back, I assume it was the moment she got back, she asks to call me because she wanted to talk about something. Now I think it can only be one of two things: A: She apologizes for how things were and catches up with me and we plan our next date and fun stuff, like how it was before. And B: the only other thing a girl would say when they tell you they want to talk about something: breaking up. I still remember some of what she said. She said that she was realy happy when we started dating but recently, she hadn't been feeling the same. She said it was on her mind throughout the whole week and she was really stressing and wrestling with what to do. So instead of trying like she said she would, she gave up. Now she said that if she couldn't, she'd tell me, but I feel like this is jumping the gun. I felt nothing in those moments. I think I felt so much, that it overloaded everything, and this becomes relevant very soon. Clara goes on to say that she still wants to be with me in the class we share together and still talk to me if I remember correctly, but the second one may not have happened if my memory didn't serve me right. I only give nods and an "I expected this." as my responses. Then, closing out, she says this... "Got anything to say?". I say "No". A silent surrender. An acceptance of her decision. Some might say she wanted me to beg her to stay with me, but I loved her so much that the only thing I could do was accept what she wanted. It was her decision after all. Two weeks pass by... I'm fine, I think. I'm taking this well, and I feel less anxious, and kind of relieved honestly! That relief, I soon found, was the relief that she wouldn't suddenly text me and bring me anxeity like that one time. Remember, that started happing with the majoritiy of her texts after that. Sometimes, I'd feel immense anxiety when I saw her name on my lit phone screen. That must have been the relief. That did not last. Because for the next 3 or so months, my life, would turn in a very unhappy direction. It happened after that 2 week grace period ended. The first wave. The sadness came in waves. The first was not the worst, but the easiest. It lasted for about a week, likely longer, because all I remeber is how the pain and likely, grief got worse and worse over time. Inbetween waves, I'd be okay for about a week, I'd think, but then the next wave comes in. Nothing could make me happy in that period. Not even my birthday could fix things. Especially since Clara never ended up giving me what she made for my birthday. She would make stuff for birthdays and special days like Christmas months in advance. She made my card on call with me. I got a screenshot of it. I couldn't read most of it then, but I was able to read most of it eventually. Sorry, Clara. But I'm really glad I got to read it. I think it would have been very impactful had I read it while we were together, and if I actually got to read the P.S at the bottom, which I had gotten the impression that it was very flirty because of what the rest of the card read. She also said I love you in the card, too. I really wish I got to read the full thing with her. And I also think there was another thing that she would have had too. A bracelet. Closer to when our relationship started, she made a bracelet out of pink and purple beads, some with letters spelling our names, separated by a heart. I loved that bracelet. It was the sweetest thing. I think that bracelt quintupled my love for her. She was always wearing that bracelet in those pictures, too. I love love loved that bracelet. She promised that when she found enough beads to make another one, she's make one for me. So, I thought that my birthday was going to be the day I got the braclet I'd never take off. I did not hear a word from her. And that was the time when I thought she'd be most likely to text me, if she really cared. If she ACTUALLY meant what she said when she left. I hear not a word. All of this, you will hear again. I just now noticed, but history DID repeat itself, maybe not in exact sequence, but it did, and that was what I wanted to avoid most. I was unsuccessful in such an endeavor. Now, let's move to the second arc: Yui's return:The Calm Before the Storm. This begins before the two week period was over, a day after she broke up with me, actually. I tell her about the breakup and she tells me a lot of telling things about her relationship with Clara that was very similar to my situation, specifically talking about stuff like being made the bad guy like in that one text. Yui also gives me this snippet: The week that she had told me she liked me way back when, there was a guy that was showing intrest in her and Clara's friends basically had to force her to reject the guy. I know that it was after she said she liked me. I never heard it from Clara, but I belive there was reasoning behind that happening. I'm not sure what it could be though, my thoughts about what she thinks changed so many times that I have no idea what to say what is likely what is. Confusing sentance, but that's basically been the story of my life for as long as the breakup as been. You'll see what I mean as the arcs continue, because yes, there is a third arc. Yui says that she was going to light Clara up about the breakup. Yui never did tell me what was said. I did ask her to but, I never followed up after that so she probably forgot, but maybe it was for the better. Yui also asked if Clara broke my heart. At the moment, the grace period hadn't ended, so my heart was still in a piece. It was held together by the sheer volume of emotion. That's what I believe. So I told her no, that I was just hurt. And so, a month or two I think go by. Time really does meld when you're in pain. Everyday is the same shit, but on a different day. This concludes arc 2. Arc 3: New Beginnings, New Problems. Also known as "The Storm". It was a storm, that's for sure. My final year of school begins and of course, we both have that same shared class. Wierd things start to happen, and fast. To help cope, I wrote a lot of the stuff that happened in a little notebook, which will be the source of this part of the story, because I'm not going to remember all the little things, which this first bit of this arc is all about. Actually it begins quite large. After a long time of us not talking, she sits across from me. She awkardly asks me how I've been. Because I'm very not ready for this, I kinda coldly say "Fine.". I say that to all of her questions. She asks about school, how classes are, and stuff like that. She continues to sit with me. She doesn't directly talk to me though. She talks to the other girls that sit there. I avoid looking at her altogether. She talks about her new crush a lot. He's not new. It's the guy she left me for. This guy, I can't remember if I introduced him or not, but he's from Clara's church, and goes to a different school. I've seen the guy in pictures. She talks about holding hands with him one time. And she was freaking out about it. Then the next step comes in: poems and more targeted speech. Around this time, I should mention that me and Yui were talking about the whole thing and I learn that she had done this kind of thing to three guys in total now. Yikes. I end up meeting one of the 7 evil ex's. She, this I know, hates this one specifically. He tells me to watch what she does. Not what she says. The next happeing then occurs. This is when it gets bad. The both of us have the same health class, and there was an activity where you would assign people you know to colors. She decides to bring this up right as she sits down. She quickly gets to red, which she thought was whatever, but it actually meant someone you really love. She says that she put "her ex" as red. Then she whispers with the girls to her right. Then I hear in whispers: "That One?!". Then it clicked- oh. It's me. Clara noted that "they usually wear red!". She dated another guy, with 'the same name' as me. Mine is spelled different, but whatever. So, I knew. Besides, things were already awkard before, so I was hyperaware of this kind of thing already. I had even heard that she would complain about having to sit with me to her friends. Clara ends that by stammering that she doesn't like 'her ex' anymore. Then the poems. The first one she makes is one titled, "I Miss You". Oh boy. Being her latest ex-boyfriend who has been trained to look for her subtleties like this, I know that it's all about me. Who else right? The poem basically says that she misses me and will stay out of my way until she gets over me. Or at least that's what I read. She shows the thing to everybody, but me. She shows it to my brother though, who was also privy to her things. So he also ready it and thought the same. I got to read it while she was very definately nonchalantly making it. This was not the last. Around this time, in this class, I was apart of this friendship project thing, for kids. I'm in a group with a friend of mine, and a complete asshole. Suddenly, Clara asks my friend if she can join up with us. He did not know. He says yes. I probably would have let it happen regardless, because I wasn't really that spiteful. I probably have said that I was, but I never would have done a thing to hurt her. I couldn't bring myself to. This friendship project comes into play later, because the event doesn't happen for a month, but stuff happens during practice for that. By this time, I notice that whenever me and my best friend walk by the class that she has on our walk, she always is conveniently outside. It was almost like she was waiting for me. I thought that she was staring. She may or may not have been. One day, while practicing for the friendship project, something happens. In one of the little scenes we were doing, one of the charaacters has to push another of them. Clara was adament that I be the hero guy that helps her up after she gets pushed. My friend is the guy who pushes her over. We were screwing around and I ended up being the guy my friend was praciting his form on and he's like: I wonder what would happen if I actually hit you? Clara goes: I'd like to see that. She says something like that. And I finally fight back by saying, "Wow, you really hate me that much?". She says no, then she says that she knows somebody that she think does hate her. She says she wrote a poem about it. Because I've been trained to be hyperaware, I have a hint on who it is. She is sitting next to me. She writes the poem out, then sets it next to the right front leg of my chair, like it was for me. I copied the whole thing down. She did notice, and said "Interesting.". Here's what it says:
"Why Do You Hate Me?"
Why do you hate me?
Why do you ignore me?
I just want to know what I did
Because I just want to be your friend
That's all I want
Nothing else
And be able to be us again
And get along normally again
------------------------------
I HAD been ignoring her existance, for the most part. She even made a slight comment in that first conversation that she just likes to talk but it *inaudible* when people don't respond. But I did. Maybe she didn't hear me? But she wants to be friends? Later on, I had heard from friends that she was friends with all her exs and talked shit about all of them. Then there was one more poem. It was about missing someone. There were lines like "I hate missing someone" and "Everything's already done". She looked me in the eyes and left the notebook open there. Then left. I was trained to be hyperaware, and she seemed to almost want me to read them, so I did. Later on, she rips many poems there up, and tosses them. I'm left standing there looking at that, wondering why. Now I say that that was the last one, even though that there were like 2 more, because I don't remember what the other 2 said. They were a lot like "Why do you hate me?". Even down to the way she showed it to me. The day that she ripped them up, I was extremely confused outside when a friend of mine was walking by and notices how I look. I tell him what's been going on and he thinks the same as me. Then he tells me a secret. One of his friends, who is also one of the 7 evil exs, Clara tried to get back with, supposedly around the time we were getting together. I don't know exacts, but that's what he said. Now my friend's friend said for her to "Beat sand", which basically means to eff off. So now you know why she hates him. After this, I elect to confront her if she does this again. Which, she does. Note that she does not explain a single one of these poems. After class one day, I ask her what's up with those, she says "They're not about you". I guess she had figured this would happen. I don't really believe her in the moment because I had no way of knowing that it wasn't, and so looked like it from my perspective. I soon cave though, when Yui tells me that it's about that church boy bastard. Yui tells me that she's doing all this for attention. What I really wanted to know was how to make it stop, and the other reasons why, and why things came to this. I wanted to be able to explain why she was doing all these things because I didn't really get it. Because I didn't believe that she was thinking, oh, I WANT my ex boyfriend to look at me and pay attention to me~. She complained about me, for heaven's sake. There had to be another reason, right? I still don't know. After that, Clara said that she stopped writing poems. She begins again in a few days after that. Here's where the Friendship Project comes into play. She wasn't with is for the first day, but was the second, and it was pretty painful. This time it was a lot of little things that really got me, like always. Clara kept referencing that one song about the star from Princess and the Frog, which, if you'd recall was apart of the worst date in recorded history. She would also sing love songs occasionally, as if her ex boyfriend wasn't standing in front of her. She would also talk to my friend a lot. She was lively with him, but kinda awkard when she remembered that I was also, in fact, there and apart of the conversation. It was only awkard, there were no direct attacks though, so don't get the wrong idea. In hindsight, she probably had no real idea how to talk to me because of the odd standing we were on at the time. She was also talking to Yui occasionally. Remember that. I remeber she got onto the topic of birthdays at some point, and she tells my friend a little something like this: "His birthday is August 8 (Reffering to me, because I was the only other beside Clara and my friend.)". And that kinda broke me. I stare at her for a few seconds. The first thing I think is, "Wait, so you KNEW my birhtday had come around and you don't even bother to say happy birthday when acknowledging it?!". Now, I usually do not care if you don't say anything for big events, especially my birthday, so I wouldn't be upset if you don't remember, but this occasion I DID care. This was Clara, the girl that basically told me that she still wanted to be in contact, and had LITERALLY attempted to insinuate that that's what she's wanting! To understand that last part better, let's rewind back to when she said she stopped making poems. Around that time, her, a friend of mine, and Clara are sat at the table. She talks about her exs, and how it sucks dating because if you break up it's awkward. She talks about how she wants to be friends with so many of her exs and she can't because it's awkward. My friend turns to me and says, "She's talking about you, dude!". Me, JUST coming off of shit like this, being the poem confrontation, decided that I couldn't just assume that. So I say, "Are we SURE it's about me? We can't just assume that". Remember she's got more evil exs then me. Clara, out of the corner of my eye, I kinda remember, goes cold. My friend says, "Are we being deadass right now?!", I go, "I am being deadass! we can't just assume that it's me!" (we're saying this in a lighthearted way, we aren't yeliing at eachother here.). For the record, I don't believe my friend knew about the poems thing. So I bet Clara got it, but my friend did not. I COULD of handled that a little more considerately, but I really did need to defend myself at some point. Jumping back to the Friendship Project, my friend (not the same one, for the record), wants to play concentration between the three of us. Knowing Clara's gonna pull something, I'm hesitant, but willing. Now, if you remember how Concentration is played, you'd know that you kinda have to touch for this to work. Clara was all uppty(subltly but not really) about it. She hovers her hand just below mine, and barely hits it when we say the 'this is a game of blah blah' part. My friend gets ousted pretty quick, because the topic was music artists and if you still remember how Concentration is played, you'd know that playing with only me and Clara, would cause some stupid shit. And that's exactly what happens. But, my friend to the rescue because I had actually filled him in earlier on, so he noticed and filled in when Clara goes "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."(Did she do that this time? Maybe I'm confusing it with another thing? Sorry, my memory isn't the best with this event. I dropped the notebook by this point, so I don't completely remember, I'd take this with a grain of salt.). After that, and more of Clara doing the same things I said before, and the asshole guy being stupid, I have to step away for a minute because I notice that they notice that I'm getting visibly more upset(sad, and also kinda angry, agitated.). Clara is good at noticing that in me. Eventually, the kids we were performing for come by, and my friend starts giving out high fives to the team and everyone high fives. Then he turns to me and Clara and says, "Someone hasn't high fived". Clara, as I vividly remember, quitely goes "Uhhhhhhhh...". You've got to remember, there are tons of kids standing right there. Waiting expectantly. I had already put my hand up, while saying nothing. She high fives me. That was a shitstorm. A few hours after that, Yui texts me, asking how I'm doing, and I of course, can't lie, and explain the thing as best I could but I use the wrong words. I say she was overly friendly, moreso referring to how she would act normal when specifically talking to my friend, but that's not entirely it, and I don't explain it right. But Yui immediately wants to know how that happened. I fumble things together and she gets it. She tells me that it's normal for things to be awkward and crappy like that. Then Yui pulls a Simpsons, and I won't say exactly how. She asks if I'm just overthinking the whole thing because I like Clara. I say I didn't think so. Then she asks if I want to be friends with her and I say a little. Then she asks me how often I think about her, how much a day, how long, then I realize that this situation has consumed my whole life. I recall that I would almost never stop thinking about her. Yui is like "You SURE you don't like her?" and I go, "I don't think so". Then the field trip comes. It was where the whole class piled onto a bus to go see a show at least 6 hours away. Of course the seat I get is across from Clara. Now, by this point I took a major step back and everything had gone back to the way things were before we had ever dated. I get sat next to some freshman gal, she was nice. I do forsake conversation for playing pokemon Emerald on my Analougue Pocket. Now, that gal happens to be friends with Clara. And the two would constantly talk, and eventually the same shit that happened at the Friendship Project happened. She pulls out the love songs, the references, and worst of all, the same pickup lines she used to tell me when we were dating. This affects me much more than I expect, so much so that I go on my phone and write a note for help, which I do still have. In it, I explain why this situation is really not fun for me. And, I'm pretty sure angel freshman to my right read it. When we get off the bus at a Starbucks of all places, everybody goes inside, and I do, just to meet up with my brother, who was also there, and was the saving grace beside angel freshman. I sit on the couch because I don't wanna wait in that long ass line, and my brother is like, "you sure you don't want anything?" and I'm just trying to avoid the social situation, and Clara was in line literally RIGHT in front of us, so I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep torchering myself. But out the corner of my ear I hear my brother's name being said, and I start to think something's happening. Then one of Clara's friends gets me and my brother's attention and says that Clara wanted to ask us if my brother wanted to swap with angel freshman so us brothers could sit together. He and I ablige. For the record, my brother was sitting behind Clara before. He then sat with me after that for the rest of the time, and everything was much better. Clara sits next to us when we're waiting to go see the show we were seeing. She gets put nearby me, my brother and some friends. What matters is what happens on the way back. She's constantly freaking out and being kinda impossible to not stare at, because she's flipping out at her crush's texts. Yes, church bastard is still in this story. She's being told what things she should tell him and for once, I'm just entertained by watching this play out. Now, to acomplish this, I AM staring at her... All the time. But I think it's funny, what's happening. But there's a voice in my head that says to me, "I have a bad feeling about that. That won't work out.". I stare a little too much, and Yui texts me, likely because she, or Clara noticed and coordinated this, about my staring. Where I say that I'm trying to piece together just what Clara's freaking out about. I slow my staring because I start to think that I'm making her unconfortable or something. But I do tune in every once and a while to see what's happened. That is the last time I've gotten a text from Yui, as of the time of writing. After that, I succeeded at moving away from it all. It seemed over. Finally, peace. Until... Arc 4 hits. Arc four: The Second. My brother had a girlfriend once, for like a week or two. I'm friends with that gal, and was when this arc started. One day, I hear Clara talking about how Church Bastard(Because that's his name now) was leading her on for three months. It had been just about three months since the breakup. In the moment I don't clock this but my reaction is one of complete satisfaction because that voice was right, it did NOT end well. Remember my reaction. My brother's ex, who I'll call... Misha, was in a show with Clara at that time, and they became friends. Next time I come to class, Clara is sitting one spot in front of me, talking with Misha, who was also interacting with me. And for the first time in forever, me and Clara interact a little. Only slightly awkward, but I don't pick it up or acknowlege it. I don't hang out with her when we break off into groups, but I pay attention to what she's saying from afar. She's even making her characters for the assignment we were doing as things that I either liked or could relate to. She named her main character my middle name, which she acknowleges, and goes, "Oh that's your middle name!". I was kinda far away from her, so I nod and smile. She makes him a baker, which my parents are. She talks about chocolate too, and I loveeee chocolate. As time goes on, we start hanging out every time, for the whole time, talking better than we ever had. Once she did a thing with the numbers 6 and 7, so I decided to poke her. She is taken aback for a second, then she questions what I just did, then pokes me back. By that point, I had remembered my feelings for her, and decided to try and see what happens. Besides, she HAD been talking a lot about how she's trying hard to not like the Church Bastard anymore, so this would be my perfect opportunity. Aparrently, I had been making it a little too obvious, because Misha catches me when I'm flirting(i guess) one time and says, "You're making it too obvious!!". One day, Clara mentions how Kit Kats are her favorite candy. I had gone to see the Fnaf 2 movie with my buddies and saw a whole bag of em and decided that they could help me. So I give them to her the next time I see her. She liked that. Soon after though, me, Clara, Yui, and the Are We Deadass Friend are hanging out and of course, my friend decides to pull at my leg hairs because they're long and all that. To that I say: "That's reserved action! My heart belongs to another!". Yui takes that and runs with it. Yui asks me who my heart belongs to. I say that I'm not allowed to say. She looks at Clara, who looks at her. Yui mouths the words 'it's you' to Clara and they kinda freak out for a minute, then leave because they have "stuff to discuss". The cat was out of the bag. Now to this point I'd say things were pretty promising between us. She would laugh at my jokes, I would listen to what she had to say, we would talk, we clearly enjoyed eachother's company. And, around this time, one of my gal friends who happens to go the same church as Clara, texts me that Clara was talking about me, and she even asked my friend why I'd stare at her during class. She also ended up asking why I had seemed happy at the fact that Church Bastard was being just that: a bastard. Now my friend didn't tell her about my crush on her, but it seemed, from my perspective, that intrest and circumstance were all there. I ask her out over text. I'll summarize what she said. She said that she couldn't for many reasons, reasons that she did not ever tell me, as of writing. But she begs me to stay her friend and to not get awkward. So, I say okay. And I was fine with that. We were friends, and that's what mattered. I got through, without losing anyone, and now I get to move on, right? Right? Wrong.Act Five: The Inbetween. Note that this act has not yet finished, because now we have just about caught up with this present. 4 days after she rejects me, during a Spanish test, I get this behemoth of a text; otherwise known as a complete mindfuck, which, despite the first line, I AM going to show you in it's entirety, because the rest of the story so far will A: Make less sense is I summarize and B: Is so complex and hard to understand at a base level, that I would have a hard time summarizing in the first place. So here it is:"please keep this to yourself, please. I'm going to hate admitting this so I'm just going to be frankly honest with you right now, because this has been slowing eating at me and it's all i can think about. and I know you probably aren't going to really care but you might, so I'm just letting you know. talking to you again has been bringing back feelings and I don't like it because I know I shouldn't and I apologize. And I don't know what I want right now because I'm all out of whack, like mentally especially I've been trying to keep going but it's getting harder and I think it's why I've been off about a lot of things. Im always thinking about you and idk why and im just really confused and idk what to do about it. and I've been crying about it all day long. just btw I hate being honest about how I feel because I'm scared. and I'm really really asking you don't tell anyone about this, i just needed to get it off my chest. and if you don't want to talk to me anymore because of this it's fine, I just want to apologize for being off and I feel bad about it. but just know I really like being your friend and I want to be your friend. so please please don't get all awkward and stop talking to me please. also I feel kinda stupid saying all that.". Sorry Clara, but for the story's sake, this had to be done. I tell her that she should think about how she feels and what she wants and to take as long as she wants to think about things because I'm not going anywhere. Around this time, she had flirted with me, with a piece of tape. She stuck it on me really slow. I stuck her back and stuff and that was fun. Then we went on Christmas Break. She texts me 2 days in, about a quote she had from me, in her quote journal. We then proceeded to talk for 4 hours. The next time she talks to me it's on Christmas, and this one is big. I tell her about how I only got a thing of cologne of Christmas day and she says "Just wait until we get back from break, I'm plotting someything.". At this point, just from the way she talked I was kinda thinking that she did like me overall, as the mindfuck text implied. During the relationship, she would say things like I'm plotting something to be flirty, that's simply how she'd do it sometimes. So this made me think that she for sure likes me. She also sends me two poems: "
they always say
like in the movies
that one day
you'll find the one
but many boys will
go to you
so how can you really know who's the one
well the right boy
will take time
to learn about you
your favorite things
flowers
movies
songs
candy
and he will do things for you
beyond all comprehension
that is how you know
he's the one
He's like a warm summer breeze
that brings you
comfort and calm
he's like a
river or stream
calm yet fierce
his brown eyes like the sturdy trees
in the woods
his smile
like a field of flowers
vibrant and inviting
like a cave mysterious but exciting to get to know or explore"
-------------------------------- It all sounded a lot like myself, especially considering the candy line. I also have brown eyes, and I like the forest, and I don't always talk a lot. I basically had done all of those things that were described so at that point I had figured that she totally liked me. Then she texts me a few days later, about an ornament on her tree that reminded her of me. She tells me about her hair and she seemed to really want to get a good picture to show me what it looked like, but she settles for a, in her mind, a meh one. Boo? I missed you, friend! She likes me! So I decide to throw a bone, because she's been doing all the work. I tell her about the mouse on my computer, how it glows purple sometimes, and it made me think of her. She is really happy at this. She's like I loovveeee purple! Then I say, "hehe, that's why it reminded me of you". She sends the teehee emoji. Then she talks about how she almost said teehee, and how she hasn't said it in forever. She's like I should say it more often and I go I would and I say it. She says it back, just like we used to. She then shows me how she set my profile picture to a funny picture of me, to which I say that i've become a meme, that I knew she'd do that (when I showed her the picture in question). She says teehee, I say it back. Just like before. Tuesday, I walk in and I'm anticipating her to ask me out. I wait. And wait. And wait. And soon I think, "She's going to do it after class.". After class, I stick around with her longer, even though I leave right after that class to see if she will do something. She does not. She talked how I should've worn that funny hair band that I had in that funny picture to school. No way she'd forget to ask the guy she likes out. The next day in that class and I hear her talk about this guy who's in the same class as the period she had just before the current one, her crush. She still, does nothing in terms of the supposed plot. That's when something snaps in me. I had been misled. I guess I was wrong. I become very sad again. I'm reminded of how I felt before, and think about all of it way too much. It consumes me. The inbetween period had been going on for quite a while, and thorughout all of it, it had been, little by little, talking it's mental toll. Then is when I went to my worst. The next time we're in class. she notices that I am not happy. She asks if I'm okay, twice and I say that I guess I'm okay. Her and I don't have much for conversation then. After, when we break off into groups, I stick nearby her as much as I can, but I still don't say anything. I stare a lot. Eventually we part. I get to have the rest of the period off a few minutes later though. Soon I see her to my left, she looking in my direction. I look at her. I cock my head, resting my right cheek in my fist. She gives me a slight smile. After that, we still don't talk, but she eventually sits next to a friend, very closeby me, who is sitting on the floor, which she probably didn't wanna do to sit next to me. She talks about how she likes Church Bastard still. I guess her crush changed again, not even within two days. And for now, that's as far as she goes. I'm doing better now than I was, but I'm certainly not pleased with this situation. I will update this page the moment stuff happens, which hopefully happens next week. Because I'm honestly done with this inbetween shit. UPDATE 1: The End? So something did eventually happen, after a second day of nothing. As she notices that I'm not even sitting with her, she visibly begins to become more and more stressed out. And soon, when I head out to take my little walk, I go with some other friends. As we come around the corner, I notice Clara sitting there, very not-okay. In a spot that I could not ignore. I do not notice. She's being comforted by people she did not intend to comfort her. Having hindsight, I know that all of that was about me, and even then, I kind of had an idea. She slowly realises that her hold on me is now weak, and I am strong. And now she wants to put herself low, gain sympathy from me to regain what I took back. And ultimately, put me back into the loop. This theory is backed by what occurs later on that day. After we return to class, she soon leaves, presumably to go see a councler about whatever it was that was bothering her. Meanwhile I hang out with my friend, and eventually I go and see my friend who I'm doing a project with in that class, and she was pretty pleased to see me I think. But soon, after some things, she gets up and I'm kinda just standing there idly not really knowing what to do. While I'm doing that, Clara comes back, and she starts talking to her friend, who's kinda closeby me, so I can very clearly hear what she's saying. She mentions that she was told by the guy to talk to the person stressing her out. Yeah, can't say I didn't expect what occured next. I decide that I've already had enough, and wanted away, becasue today wasn't supposed to have her in it. So I go back to the first friend I was hanging out with. Unfortunatly for me, that action would not go unpunished. She soon goes back to where she was sitting before she left, which of course, is near where me and my friend are at. Soon, Clara joins us. See, now I'm in a pickle. I can't just leave, because I'm trying to talk to my friend, and I don't want to be rude, either. So I sit there. I don't talk to her and I don't look at her either. She writes a message to someone while she sits there. After class she decides to send it. "So I just wanted to be honest, because this has been stressing me out. And if you never want to talk to me again I understand and I'll hate that but I'll understand. So on Tuesday last week, we were talking and it was fine and then Thursday you acted all weird and offm And today you still won't talk to me and I want to know if I did something because I want to know and if I did something that was bad I'm sorry and I don't know what if I did do something. And I'm sorry for bothering you but I just need to know. And like I said if you never want to me to talk to you again just tell me and sorry. But I genuinely want to be your friend but it's up to you because I want to respect you and what you want. But no matter what I'll just do what you want. I really don't want to hurt you and I feel like you sometimes act all friendly and then the next day you just ignore me and it's honestly getting on my nerves and I'm not saying this to call you out I'm just letting you know and in drama class you talk to me but on B days you don't acknowledge me and I'll try to smile at you, so I honestly don't know. please respond to this honestly and please don't tell anyone of this please.". I spend over three hours deliberating what to say to her. I eventually come up with this:" When you rejected me, everything was alright until you sent me that one big text 4 days later. That was really confusing. I thought I had it but I may not have understood right. Over break the way that we talked and some things that were said made me think that you had some feelings for me. It also had me thinking that something was going to happen pertaining to that when we got back from break but when we do, I hear you talking about another guy and nothing happened. I feel like I’m being led on. I don’t like it and it’s really been painful for me. To address the B days… I wasn’t trying to ignore you, sorry about that, I simply just hadn’t noticed that you were trying to reach me, you’re usually with someone, so I don’t approach and figure that you’re hanging out with them and wouldn’t want me to but in". That last part is in reference to the time when I tried to tag along that one time, when she went with her friend, the one she cut her mom off for. She responds in five minutes:"I'm really really really sorry that I made you feel that way. I'm not trying to and to frankly honest I don't know what I feel at all right now I've been a different person lately and I know I am. I'm at a low and I'm sorry bdcase I know I'm hurting other people which none of what I'm going through is an excuse. And I don't know what to do about any of it and I'm trying to figure it out. And I'll stop talking about that one guy I know I need to, like I know I to. and I'm sorry for texting you, I wasn't trying to do anything I just wanted to chat". She completely misinterpreted everything I said. She takes no accountablility for any of her actions and shows me even more than before, that she doesn't care about me at all. I'm not Church Bastard so I guess I'm just gone then. So that's what I've been doing as of writing the end of this update. I didn't respond, and I haven't talked to her. Today's a B day, so she likely won't get the memo until tommorow, where I know SOME dumb shit is doing to happen. I've written a overly formal letter to reflect our current status and tell her again, what's up so that she might get it this time. If she doesn't I'm just going to tell her to leave me alone, because she clearly does not get me, nor cares to try and I won't stand for that. Later on, the friend that I was talking to the other day when we were interrupted by Clara, told me about how Clara's request for silence was a one-sided thing, and that she was complaining about me. Clara apparently was saying that I was the one leading her on and SHE didn't know what to think anymore. I'm sorry what? It's only natural that I'd back off after what's been happening. My friend also said tha t Clara had also said that I need to ask her-. She didn't finish the sentance, but I'm really curious about what I need to ask Clara~. Makes no sense. Also, I absolutly MUST mention that Clara did not tell me what she was plotting, nor did my friend know. I wanted to ask my friend who all heard about this, so I know who to bring back to my side, but I know that I got that friend back on my side. I assume that'll be the trend, because from what I've seen, people KNOW about her bull and won't stand by that. UPDATE 2: "No Suprises." (deadlock from valorant) As of late, we've returned to normal. If flirting is normal in friendships like this. Lemmie paint you a picture: we're hanging out, right? She turns around to head inside to grab something real quick, right? I quietly go, "noooooooo...." and she turns around, looking suspicious, like she knows my darkest secret or something. Then she keeps turning around. Each time looking more suspicious, until she gestures that she's watching me. When she goes behind a door, she pops back out a second later to see if I'm still looking, which I was, so just as quickly as she popped out, she went back in. At first, I elect to not view this as anything more as a friend thing, but this soon becomes completely unavoidable. Next, she takes a picture of me while I'm not looking, and when I turn around she and her friend say that she did something. When I ask what, Clara says, "You'll find out". I quickly find that she sent me that picture with a message saying only, "I see you". This is a sentence that I haven't heard since we were dating. I pretend to be mad about it, but whiff and it's obvious that I'm not, quite the contrary, actually. Now I later respond to that text, referencing a joke she made about being my stalker. After some fake disbelief on my end, she makes sure that I get that she's definately a stalker. Soon after, I see her and I was in a spot where I knew I was in her line of sight, so I purposly stand out. I had a feeling that she'd do the same thing again, and I was very right. After that I respond and we have some banter, PERFECTLY NORMAL FRIEND STUFF RIGHT??? AM I RIGHT GUYS?? THIS IS A NORMAL THING THAT A GUY AND FRIENDGIRL DO RIGHT? THERE IS NOTHING FLIRTY ABOUT THIS AT ALL, RIGHT? As I said, I was attempting to not overthink any of this behavior and to take it as friend stuff, in light of the shitstorm that went down before, but it appears Clara has already forgotten that part. Where do we go from here?